The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.

Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

1

“i have to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone” i am telling my husband i already started writing the text

— erin chack (@ErinChack) June 13, 20242

Some heroes save people from burning buildings. I save people who are trapped in endless conversations with my husband.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) June 17, 20243

We are at an adult "pool party" and my husband put on his bathing suit before we came here and I tried to explain to him that no one was actually going to be swimming. Anyway, he is now in the pool by himself while everyone else is standing around the edges sipping cocktails.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 14, 2024Advertisement 4

I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) June 16, 20245

The funniest Fathers Day thing I hear is from my wife, who said, “You can sleep in, if you want.”

Babe, I’ve been waking up at 5 AM since I was in my twenties. I absolutely cannot sleep in, no matter what anyone wants.

— Adam (@YSylon) June 16, 20246

Sometimes I'll just throw away old cords instead of saving them, I'm not a dad so it's allowed

— meghan (@deloisivete) June 17, 2024Advertisement 7

My husband is so confusing because, based on things he’s told me, he used to be smarter at some point.

— Bird Eckler (@Birdeckler) June 16, 20248

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) June 13, 20249

My wife's birthday is coming up and I’m wrapping her presents with AARP magazine covers.

On a scale of one to I’m so dead, how is this going to go over?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 13, 2024Advertisement 10

wife and I are microdosing being empty nesters by removing the kids from our Netflix plan

— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 14, 202411

me: [grunts sitting down getting into the car]

Wife: [grunts sitting down getting into the car]

Me: remember when we used to get in the car silently??

— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 12, 202412

My husband had a tee time at 7:30 am and is home already watching the U.S. Open for the next 5 hours. I asked him if he wanted to do something special for Father’s Day and he answered the same as all of his forefathers before him, “Shhhhh, This IS special.”

— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 16, 2024Advertisement 13

My kids helped me discover patience, my husband helped me master it

— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) June 13, 202414

Wife: What do you want to do for Father’s Day?

Me: Just drop me off at The Home Depot so I can play with all the other dads.

— Douglas A. Boneparth (@dougboneparth) June 16, 202415

Husband sneezed and the cat ran off.

— Late to the party Laura (@ericamorecambe) June 15, 2024Advertisement 16

Me: I'm off to my happy place.

Husband: Target?

Me: My other happy place.

Husband: The library?

Me: No.

Husband: Aldi?

Me: Not that one.

Husband: You have too many happy places.

— Hollie Harris (@allholls) June 11, 202417

a nap so good you don't even complain about your spouse changing the thermostat

— 🌜🤷♂️ 🤯Dad Moon Rising🤯 🤷♂️🌛 (@raoulvilla) June 11, 202418

We were at a baby shower recently and there was a child there who was so obviously like 11 and my husband very sincerely asked him which college he went to after the kid said school just got out. I'm convinced this man has never met a child before.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) June 16, 2024Advertisement 19

I’m not spending thousands of dollars on vacation when I can get bullied by my wife and kids in the comfort of my own home.

— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) June 14, 202420

Me: What do you want to do for your birthday?
Wife: Let’s just sit out on the deck and drink.
Me:
Wife:
Me: Is it…is it my birthday, too?

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 15, 2024

Related

the good life

50 Hilarious Marriage Tweets That Totally Nailed It This Year

The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

26 Relatable Tweets For Couples Who Spoil The Heck Out Of Their Dogs